Find out more about life after loss – having hope for the future and how other parents have gone on to create a ‘new normal’
Newly bereaved parents are often overwhelmed with other parents stories of loss when they start to try to find support. Here we discover Joshua's story, and how parents Beth and Callum found comfort in hearing the stories of others.
Three years later
It has now been three and a half years since my husband Callum and I lost our precious first-born son, Joshua to a HSV infection at eight days old. Having got him home, thinking he has was healthy and we would have forever together, we suddenly lost him after 26 hours in hospital. Here is Joshua’s story.
After three and a half years, we have learnt what others who had lost a baby told us when we first lost Joshua, that time does not heal, but we will learn to grow around our grief and the pain will get easier to manage. There were times that I did not believe this would be the case, that we would be locked in the intense heartbreak of those first few months forever. I am sorry if you find yourself here because you are going through that intense heartbreak, either yourself or watching a loved one go through it.
I would like to share some hope in the darkest moments and share what I think helped us the most over the last three years.
Every story of baby loss is different, but every story is as heart breaking. I found talking to others who had been through anything similar, but especially those who had really similar stories, really helped me get through, and was my lifeline in the early months. I will forever be grateful for Flutterbyes, which helped me connect particularly with other mum’s who had experienced their loss a while ago and were able to offer me hope. I also put myself out there with any stories that had cross over with Joshua’s, and found a loss mum who did not live near, but we messaged every day as we lost our boys only two weeks apart, so were going through such similar emotions and heartache. We still message often now.
In those early months, my husband Callum did not want to talk to others who had been through similar experiences, and he mainly leaned on me as his support. However, when a local SANDS football team was setup, this became his way of connecting with other dads but in a casual setting that included something else that he had a love and passion for. This has been a huge help for him and is his outlet to remember Joshua and do something for him every week.
In those early days, Callum and I discovered that we grieve in a similar way, in terms of being open and honest about how we were feeling each day, and we leaned on each other a huge amount. This took an element of worry away from each other, as we both genuinely felt we knew where the other person was at and in our darkest moments we would turn to each other for support. We also both knew we wanted to be open and honest about what happened to Joshua and continue forward with him being part of our family forever. We wanted everyone to talk about him, remember him and make sure they included him in everything they can. We appreciated that it is hard to do so when that person is no longer here and no memories were shared between them, so we led this message because it felt so important to us.
From the very early days, we emphasised that his birth flower, the snow drop, was an important way for us and others to think about him when they came into blossom. We also felt like the red kites we often saw soaring above our house was a sign that he was flying free, but he remained close and was watching over us. We loved to think of him in all of nature, especially in rainbows and beautiful sunsets. We always write his name in the sand like many other loss parents, and those closest to us did that too, and still do. Every time we receive a message about Joshua, or a sign that someone has had, or proactively include him in something, means so much to us still now and makes us feel like we are keeping him alive in our way.
We made this message clear to our family and friends, and they surrounded us with messages and small gifts that made us know that they were thinking about Joshua, and us. Although this is less now, the love and thoughts are still there, especially on his birthday.
We knew that it was difficult for others to know what to say, and there were many times that people did say the wrong thing based on the point we were at in our grief. We always tried to be honest when this was the case and not bottle it up, to help people understand why, which of course was hard for them at times. Those who are still closest to us and we would say have supported us the most, did not necessarily fully understand why we may have felt hurt in that moment as they had not been through the same, but did respect that was the point we were at in our grief and supported us despite our reactions. I am very grateful to the family and friends who had patience with us when we were in our darkest moments and were not able to offer much in return, and most of all who have always included and spoken about Joshua and still do now.
Every person and every story is different, please do not question where you or a loved one is at, as it is likely that there are many others who have been at that lowest point or also had those darkest thoughts. Please know that there is hope, that you will be able to continue with your precious baby included in your life even though it feels so unfair it is not in the way it should be. Reach out to loved ones and connect with other loss families if that feels right for you. If you can be honest with how you are feeling, you will find the support that’s right for you and your family. Just waking up every day takes strength, but in time it will feel easier to do so, and you will be able to breathe again. Although my heart will always be broken, it is fuller for having Joshua in it and slowly over time bits of it have been put back together.
